Ad Orientem

The Second Vatican Council had a big impact on liturgy, and I'm not going to give my opinion on the changes which were ushered in as a result of Sacrosanctum Concilium. Since the 11th century the church has successfully ensured that the only people acting in persona Christi are the ones who are too damn ugly to get married, and Cosmas does now need to tell this Vat 2 world that he is sick of seeing priests' faces.

Average priest after ten years of hearing confessions

Every Monday at 9 a.m., without fail, father drags himself out of the sacristy, vested if he's had the time, and begins saying the 'oly mass. Without fail, the Lord always ignores my prayer that I won't have to see this sorry sight, and that he will be standing on the correct  traditional side of the altar. But He never listens.

This problem is somewhat smaller on a Sunday. Mass is a little later, giving father time to put his face on, and the sheer number of candles means that most of the eyesore is obscured, but until God gets his act together and makes fr Roncalli a successor of the apostles, the citizens of Somewhere in the North are going to have to tolerate that bit of him which the seventh candle would cover.

"When father first came to the parish some ten years ago, he was quite the looker, and I repented of my uber-trad heresies. But now I pray everyday that he be elevated to the episcopate." - Mary, 90, Somewhere in the North.

Fr Pacelli is no doubt reading this and thinking, "Where is this sharp-tongued brat's consideration for me? Does he really think I want to endure Damian's pig-like expression during the epiclesis? It ruins my Sunday!"

Well father P, I hear you loud and clear, and I have a little answer to everyone's problems. It's simple, easy, creates a sense of unity between people and priest, prevents a clericalism-promoting dichotomy, stops father from looking like he's in a candle prison, and we don't have to look at each other.

Comes with Papal approval

Damian Appointed Exorcist

Damian has long thought that there was something not quite right about the Harry Potter books and with the arrival of some Americans he's finally got the opportunity to do something about it. Americans have such a good track record on sorting out other nations' problems. Since they've come with holy water, we are assuming they must be Catholic. Thus we've quickly coughed up our $49 for a DVD and $1795 for the "warrior level" course at the Rev'd Bob Larson's "International School of Exorcism". These courses, taught by the Rev'd Bob, follow a curriculum accredited by the Spiritual Freedom Churches run by none other than the Rev'd Bob.

To be accepted onto the course Damian had to first undergo an exorcism himself for which he had to donate £200. The course is especially recommended for people who are new to Christianity, particularly if they are impressionable, dim-witted, or at Cambridge. The Rev'd Bob is amply qualified to run this academic course, having been called 'the world's foremost exorcist' by the Spiritual Freedom Churches, run by the Rev'd Bob. It has been suggested by those who do not follow the Rev'd Bob's courses or the denomination he has invented that there should be some sort of psychology involved in his courses or even, since Christ cast out demons, that he should leave exorcisms to the sacramental priesthood of alter christi in which he does not believe.

Cosmas has pointed out that maybe the devil is more intelligent than to use a book about magic to infect people with a love for magic. Cosmas has said that Damian should read C S Lewis's Screwtape Letters to really learn about the devil. You can get that for £5.75 and free delivery in the UK with Amazon. Beats Bob Larson's work not only in that they retail for between £7.79 and £60.59, but also that they have thoughts in them.

Triumph of Saint Damian

We look forward to watching the BBC's documentary tomorrow, although we can't help but remember that these young girls and others who are involved in Mr Larson's activities either cause unnecessary pain to people in real spiritual danger or, far more often, inflict further psychological damage on people who are already mentally ill. He should leave exorcism to the people who have 2000 years' experience in the matter, and psychological help to qualified professionals. That he compares himself to a health professional is obscene and dangerous. It would be good to know if he could be got under the Trades Description Act in the United Kingdom.

Cosmas supports an Aberration

We've recently got back from a week in a French Benedictine monastery which was huge fun and where we decided to get this blog going.

Not being monks, we spent most of our time sampling the local wine, having banquet upon banquet prepared by Mother Mary Henrietta, formerly of Heston Blumenthal's "Fat Duck" and being summoned at the last minute to this canon's blow out or that curé's soireé. Fr Nadab and Dom Abihu who are resident at the monastery were wonderfully kind to us all week and were, together, our main source of entertainment.

We did also spend some time in the choir stalls and singing and serving for mass during which time Cosmas discovered the Usus Antiquior. Not being steeped in decrepitude, he failed to see that this was an aberration and that since it was sacred to an earlier generation it has to be thrown out for fear of being consistent. He has been sent to Fr Bugnini, parish priest of St Ample, Oxted, for a remedial course in "Vision and Spirit of Vatican 2" sponsored by "A.C.T.A." ("Attitudes Contrary to Teaching Authority").

A rare picture of Dom Abihu in his youth

& ex Ore Infantium

We are two Catholic students at Oxford University, neither of whom study theology, who have started up this blog to record our on going discussions about things too wonderful for us, struggles with the faith and our respective vocation journeys.

Cosmas completes his vocation journey prematurely

Cosmas has been a Catholic less than a year and Damian is a born and bred fish eater. Cosmas is an unrepentant Tory, Damian is a wayward lefty: we try not to let that get in the way (but Damian Cosmas is wrong). Damian is in his final year and Cosmas his second.

Cosmos

Damien

Whilst we should be studying, we are generally eating, playing croquet, singing, reading books of no relevance to our courses, praying, arguing or drinking. Our college chaplain, The Rev'd Dr Catherine Sienna, and our parents all suspect we're going out, but they're wrong. We are however, uniting our efforts in engaging in a preparatory exercise to love all men.

Near the knuckle...

 Damian is like a puppy: you have to chastise him and give him treats. Treats that aren't mortal sins..

- Fr Roncalli, God's representative to some place in the North

We're very fond of our parish priests, Cosmas to Fr Roncalli and Damian to Fr Pacelli.

What do you do when you've left the bath running whilst making brioche and there's water coming through the ceiling of a college house?

- text from Damian to Fr Pacelli

Frs Pacelli and Roncalli at World Youth Day

If anyone reads this blog it'll be an added bonus. We also have an underdeveloped sense of humour.

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.

- G. K. Chesterton

~~~

It was only through this post that my mother, Monica, found out I'd flooded a college house... xD